I am supposed to be either sleeping or studying now, but i am doing neither. have been thinking about stuff for the whole day while trying very hard to study. i hope something will get in. if not i am really screwed for tue quiz.. i was all excited to update this blog with all the exciting and lovely events tt happened for the past few weeks, but one thing today juz ruins it all. Even my uni friend who came my house to bai nian today realised tt something was bothering me and i was upset. i am those tt dun like to share my troubles with others and he isnt really tt close to me either. so tt goes to show how much i am affected by the event tt took place this morning.
woke up in the morning and my mum said she want to talk to me about some stuff. before she even started, i saw what was coming. Relationship yet again. dear, pls dun continue reading if u are feeling great at this moment, coz it will juz become the opp after u finish reading it. so it was back to tt same old statement again. "u can find someone better". i guess it all started coz of my grades again. got a 75 for my tcm quiz and she was not at all satisfied. "last time u used to get 90+, den 80+, now it's only 70+". i know my grades are dropping but has it ever occurred to her that my level is getting higher too. it's not like i am always in year 1 when i can get 4.9 all the time. it's hard. sometimes i juz feel so hurt. was watching i not stupid 2 juz now and i quote "try to look at ppl's good pts instead of focusing on all the bad ones. dun hold back ur words of appraisal". it hit me tt maybe my excellent grades all along have been taken for granted. i dun vividly remember being praised for all the good grades i got, but always nagged at for a drop in grades. i know she is not scolding me, but it really hurts when i am already upset with my own results and she cant offer abit of encouragement. maybe i should juz stay at home all day and study and study and get a gpa of 5. i even had the tot tt maybe i should lie to her tt i got 80+ for my quiz since she wun see it anw (tts the kind of stress i am giving myself), but i tot let's juz be honest. 75 is acceptable (not say excellent) for me given tt i only spent less than 4 days studying for it. but it turns out tt she thinks otherwise.
so it all started. she attributed my drop in grades to me having a bf. "i dun believe studying together will help u. it juz diverts ur attention." tts wat i get when i told her dear is coming over to study. "i think u shld stop using ur hp when u r studying" so tt means i need to concentrate 100% when studying, so dun talk to me next time when i am studying k. maybe i should even stop breathing so tt i can concentrate 100% (ok, tts juz me expressing my anger).. since when she started to criticize on my studying methods. last time when i used to watch tv and study at the same time, she nv did. becoz last time my grades were good. so which one is more distracting, tv or juz a few sms. i guess it doesnt matter, only the grades do. i am so gonna get 5 the next time round to prove u wrong. tt dear doesnt affect my grades.
another major issue is the navy career yet again. she has been telling me tt all these while. i know what it is like and i have been thinking about it too. but right now, we are juz in a rs and nothing is guaranteed in the future, so it's juz a normal rs like all others. she brought up my ex again. i know pl seem to have better prospects but who knows, dear is much better.. seriously, i feel tt mr right isnt all about having a wonderful career and able to provide luxury, it's much more. what happened to the love, care, respect etc. isnt all these as impt in a rs. i agree tt the ability to provide for a family is a major factor, but definitely not the most impt one. i have confidence tt i can provide for myself but i definitely cant love myself as much. and who says navy cant have good prospects in the future, it's juz a common misbelief.
she asked me not to put too much into the rs. she said she is not disapproving me of this rs but juz dun get too emotionally involved. everything is not guaranteed yet, so dun make empty promises. i dunnoe y i gave her the idea tt i am making alot of promises in this rs, but isnt relationship always a gamble, even after marriage there's always alot of uncertainty. u nv know what will happen. but if i feel that this rs is a worthwhile gamble, isnt it only sensible tt i dare to put a bigger stake. wats so serious and wrong with tt. i juz cant get it. u nv know what hand u will get unless u are the player. so y dun she trust my judgement and let things take place naturally.
some other stuff are so disheartening tt i dun even know how to phrase it to pen it down. like my er jie said, mum you4 lai4 le. she used to be so supportive of all our rs but it's a different story now. she only likes my eldest sis bf now. even my er jie bf is becoming unacceptable to her, when they have already been together for 3 years and counting. i am not criticizing my mum here. in fact, i respect her too much tts y her opinions are so impt to me. i dunwan to disappoint her but i love my dear sooo much too. i guess we will juz hafta learn to give and take in some areas and hope for the better.
i am juz so tired of all these sayings. at the start of our rs she told me the same stuff, and i tot things were improving after she got to meet him, but maybe it was juz my own naiive thinking.... we haven said more than one sentence to each other for the whole entire day today, but i dunnoe y either. it wasnt my fault right. she told me how she felt and i juz listened, but couldnt stop my tears from flowing. so she asked me y am i so upset, but i din answer. i juz dunnoe how. i am not good at expressing myself. but i never even argue back, i merely juz kept quiet, so was i wrong in doing so? puzzled still.
ok, i need to stop thinking about all these stuff after tonight's sleep coz tml is the last day to chiong for my quiz. i need to work towards my target of 5.
to dear: i am sorry if it upsets u, but i know u will wanna know wat happened and i cant bear to tell u personally coz the tot of it makes me wanna cry. but dun worry, i am sure i will be able to handle it and lets work together for a better future k.. it's definitely not ur fault so dun keep blaming urself, which i know u would. missing u right now and love u lots!! =) the sight of u (even in photos) nv fail to make me smile even when i am down. quoting from a friend's blog, "dun juz hang in there, start climbing upwards, slow and steady". so lets use our love to overcome all obstacles and bring our rs to greater heights!